Frank William Wasielewski.  ”Frank,” “Franky Baby,” “Free Jazz,” “Jazz,”  ”The guy in the hat.”  This man comes from good stock; blessed with a mother who’s heart radiates pure kindness and a father with infinite strength and wisdom…no one can understand what went wrong.

Frank is a hero among humanity; Frank is my friend.

Everyday of our lives we are in contact and surrounded by other people; everyone of us, myself included, are fallible, fragile and ugly.  Most of us, crying behind the hand-drawn smiley face on our full body prophylactic.  We protect ourselves with constant judgement of others misfortunes and actions, while seamlessly justifying our own.  Every so often, someone comes into your life and you immediately feel blessed.  Not because they are perfect, because they understand that you are not.

In these rare relationships we feel true love and comfort.  Able to shed our emotional condom and faithfully dive into the well-spread empathetic cheeks of trust.  Feeling appreciation instead of judgement for releasing our load of insecurities on the chest of our confidant.  Frank and I barebacked emotionally…and it felt right.

Frank has been living in New York  since July of 2010, awaiting to cross paths with the beautiful future that I know he has in store for him.  I think about Frank quite a bit.  This tends to happen with voids left by exceptional human beings that are no longer apart of your day to day.   Dan, Dana and John Dye are without exception.

I thought about Frank after coming up with this cocktail.  I thought about how much he would have liked it.  He would have told me that it was in his wheelhouse.  I pictured him drinking it in his well pressed shark skin suit, slouched fedora, red skinny tie and polished Stacy’s, listening to Vince Guaraldi after hours in a dark, familiar bar.  Love and miss you Frank…Dig it baby.

Little Drop of Poison

1.75 oz. Armagnac

.5 oz. Averna Amaro

.25 oz. Fernet Branca

.25 oz. Benedictine

Stir ingredients in mixing glass with ice.  Strain into a chilled coupe.  Garnish with a lemon twist.

THANK YOU FOR READING

There are many perks to being a bartender.  ”Perks,” meaning “breasts,” was originally the perquisite of the job.  A beautiful woman mashing her blessings together in order to get her drink before the next, is quite the thrill for a wide eyed, young bartender.  Not to say that I no longer appreciate said mashing, but these days I tend to get more enjoyment out of making them wait a little longer.

Today, my line of sight is about 12 inches higher; I have been blessed to have met a wide variety of people, throughout many stages of life.  This is my perk.  I have seen the extreme of hurt, love, addiction, happiness and loneliness.  I receive a snapshot of the lives of my patrons, never truly knowing what has led them to this point and always guessing as to where and how they will end up.

Throughout the years of observation, I have began to mentally categorize and catalog the various archetypes of people I experience on a regular basis.  I, by no means intend this to be cruel.  We are all a little pathetic in our own ways.  2 Cents #1:

Delighted Divorcée/Divorcé: These men and women come from a recently dissolved marriage.  The separation was in fact a breath of fresh air from the sexless business agreement they have had the past 25 years.  They probably shared the same lawyer, had very few tiffs about personal possessions and have children more concerned about the length of their collegiate keg stand than their parents parting ways.

Sexually aggressive by nature, along with a sense of creative exploration and openness to suggestion, make D.D.’s a romp to remember. Think Martha Stewart meets Macyver meets 70′s porn queen.  Make sure to get in a good stretch before hand, because the idea of anything other than a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey bringing them to a climax starts now.  Maintain eye contact, be firm and those mom jeans will have a home on the floor next to the bed in no time…have fun with it, you did good.

This quick and easy cocktail goes out to all you spicy middle aged man eaters.  God bless ya.

Cooper Cocktail

1 small piece fresh ginger

1 oz. Canton Ginger Liquor

.75 oz. Tanqueray Gin

.75 oz. Fresh Lemon Juice

.5 oz. St. Germaine

2 dashes Angostura Bitters

Muddle ginger in mixing glass.  Combine all other ingredients into mixing glass.  Shake vigorously with ice and double strain into coupe glass.  No garnish needed

First off, I would like to apologize to the 5 of you that read my blog that it has taken so long to get a new post up.  Summer in Wisconsin blooms with sun dresses and beads of sweat between subtle breasts.  Which means, it is nearly impossible to be cooped up writing a blog that is specifically designed to make me seem more interesting to these women.  My chances are much better in the field, where my lies seem more sincere(eye contact is everything).

This quick cocktail was inspired by a conversation I had with a friend of mine.  Chris Churilla was describing a cocktail over the phone and the spirit combination really intrigued me.  Here is what I came up with:

Papa Noel

1 oz. Milagro Reposado Tequila

1 oz. Laird’s Applejack

.75 oz. Carpano Antica

.25 oz. Rich Simple (I used Turbonado)

2 dashes Angostura Bitters

2 dashes Peychaud’s Bitters

1 dash Regan’s Orange Bitters

Stir all ingredients in a mixing glass with ice.  Strain into chilled couple glass.  Garnish with an orange twist.

Recently I had been asked by a New Orleans newspaper to submit a hangover remedy to be published for all the deviants and bon vivant’s of the service industry pre-Tales of the Cocktail.  Was told this remedy could range from the who-do voodoo to the lighthearted.  Never missing the opportunity to be unapologetic about my personality and passion for taking things too far (sorry mom), I of course jumped at this favorable circumstance.  Turns out that the amino acids found in bacon work quit well for nausea and hanky-panky for those splitting headaches we wake up with the morning after.  In my 11th grade creative writing course, I was told that I had a better chance becoming president than ever having any of my poetry published; losing many of nights sleep over this crippling comment (suck it Mr. Kramer), I decided to write it in said medium.  Next stop…The White House!

Sexy Mr. Bacon

Gorging on bacon will ease your morning after,

A penance you’ll pay to the nights booze soaked laughter.

You feel woozy and nauseous and we all can relate,

But your fate is more kind than the pig’s on your plate.

You feel like you’ve eaten ’til you’re filled to the brim,

Now clear out the bathroom and sit on the rim.

It’s a time to be humble, but no time to pout,

Bacon’s a friend going in, but not coming out.

If a pounding of skull is something you feel,

Then a pounding you need and a climax that’s real.

A companion who’s close, but none of your buddies,

A lover is needed for bumping of uglies.

Not a time or a place to stop at each base,

There’s a job to be done, so pick up the pace.

Those who are reading that might think this a joke,

Please test out this theory, then light up a smoke.

PODCAST: The customer is always right | ThirdCoast Digest.

Happy Hour: The Jersey Girl and Semi Suite | ThirdCoast Digest.

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There was never a time when my grandmother couldn’t spout out an appropriate cliché for any given situation.  These candid interruptions were usually coupled with a dramatic pause and a slow drag from the cigarette that had always seemed to be hanging from the side of her mouth.  Charming.  She has since passed away, but her words (well sort of) still enter my thoughts on occasion.  I will share with you some of her favorites, then I will tie it all together in a big red bow for ya: “All’s fair in love and war.”–I have been through my fair share of relationships and listened to enough CCR to completely understand this maxim.  ”Gild the lily.”–The number 1 reason I would never date a woman from Staten Island.  ”Plant kindness and gather love.”–My grandmother, having buried 3 husbands, should have probably stopped incorporating this chestnut in her daily repartee.   Last, but not least…”Can’t see the forest for the trees.”–Started hearing this one early on in life, when my minor case of OCD became apparent.

Personal Interpretation and New Found Pursuit

Appreciate the detail and subtle nuance of our passions, while comprehending the full spectrum of our creative acumen.  Be unbound by the rules that govern habit and stifle innovation.  Promote stylistic independence while maintaining a simplistic integrity.  Efforts will unapologetically be weighed and measured by the products of which our hands and minds produce.

I know that turning 4 hackneyed statements and making them ones personal mission might seem a tad bit trite and dramatic to some, but you can always make the best out of the banal.

Here is a new and appropriately titled cocktail of mine, incorporating my new found trust:

New Coat of Paint

1 oz. Bombay London Dry

.75 oz. Carpano Antica Vermouth

.5 oz. Sazerac Rye 6 Year

.25 oz. Yellow Chartreuse

2 Dashes Regan’s Orange Bitters

Combine all ingredients with ice into mixing glass.  Stir, stir, stir and strain into chilled coupe glass.  Garnish with  flamed oils of an orange twist.

THANK YOU FOR READING!

Recently I’ve been asked by the good people at the Bacardi Corporation to come up with a “modern twist” of the rusty nail.  The stipulations were that Drambuie and Dewer’s Scotch be at the heart of the cocktail, and to shy away from complex infusions.  Seeing as this post is going to be about the rusty nail, I will try my best to avoid any puns pertaining to geriatric sex, and any phallic references to a man hammer or wood.

Before I give you my twist, I would like to share with you my proportions on the original when Dewar’s is called:

Rusty Nail

2 oz. Dewar’s Scotch

1 oz Drambuie

2 dashes Peychaud’s Bitters

Combine all ingredients with ice into mixing glass.  Stir, stir, stir and strain over fresh ice into old  fashioned glass.  Garnish with the oils of large lemon twist.

When coming up with my new cocktail, I wanted to accomplish 3 things:

1. Create a summer cocktail using the above mentioned ingredients. √
2. Create a cocktail that anyone can make. (No infusions, no house-made syrups, no hard to find ingredients) √
3. Create a Drambuie centric cocktail, with the scotch as a modifying ingredient. √

At the end of the day, my goals were met and this cocktail would have made Bonnie Prince Charlie’s back arch and toes curl.  So, without further ado, or more references to royals creaming their kilts, I give you:

Enc(rust)ed Nail

1 oz. Drambuie

.75 oz. Dewar’s White Label

.75 oz. Fresh Lemon Juice

.5 oz. Luxardo Maraschino Liqueur

3 Heavy Dashes Peychaud’s Bitters

Combine all ingredients with ice into mixing glass.  Shake and double strain into chilled coupe glass.  No garnishment necessary.

THANK YOU FOR READING!

As men, we are blessed with the amazing gift of stupidity.  Completely aloof, and happily being so, to our partners emotional and physical needs.  WE ARE MEN!  We are warriors equipped with sexual fire able to conquer any love fortress.  We are the shirtless Adonis’ covering romance novels world wide…we are standing strong and proud, adorned in Native American war paint, as our faithful and heated women kneel submitted, clutching our bulging thighs.  YES!…we are men.  YES!…we keep telling ourselves that.

As a single man approaching thirty, I look back on all my past relationships for themes, common denominators and issues that I can improve on for any partnership that may present itself in the future.  Without going too far in-depth, I would like to share with you one of my discoveries.  My ego has always made excuses for that one unused cucumber being in the fridge.  “Shes probably just making a salad, or starting a new heath & beauty regiment.”  I would confidently tell myself.  Days later the refrigerator would be stocked with a new cucumber, no salad to speak of, and the bags under her eyes looked as though they were packed for summer vacation(my insensitivity and over sharing would definitely be another parallel for my failed relationships, but that will be saved for a different post).  All those years, my chin held high because of the soft and satisfied glow of my loved ones face, were washed away by a 12 inch gourd.  You might be starting to ask yourself what all this has to do with cocktails…nothing really.  Lets move on, shall we?  Here is a great summer drink I would like to share utilizing this massive member:

The Cucumber Daiquiri

2 oz. White Rum

.75 oz. Fresh Lime

.75 oz. Simple Syrup

2 inches peeled cucumber

1 pinch kosher salt

Muddle cucumber and salt in mixing glass.  Combine all other ingredients into mixing glass.  Shake vigorously with ice and double strain into coupe glass.  I garnish with a floating cucumber wheel.

The beauty of this simple cocktail is that you can build on it.  Toss in some Tabasco, throw in some mint, maybe try different bitters or split up your rums.  Try it with Gin, half the cucumber, mint, rosewater and Angostura…you will then have Toby Maloneys Juliet & Romeo.

Disclaimer:  The story above is entirely fictional.  Any persons referred to in said story is entirely fictional.  Any likeness will be deemed purely coincidental.  I am truly awesome in bed, any reference otherwise was for pure entertainment value.

     In the series of posts titled “Sweet Relief,” I will be providing information on easy to make house-made syrups and cordials.  Two original craft cocktails of mine will be provided using said syrup or cordial.  I would really love participation along with this series.  I encourage you to make these sweeteners at home or bar and try them in any recipe you see fit.  Send me any recipe you like using my syrup or cordial…I would love to try them!  Today I present…

Coffee Syrup

     As far as any syrup or cordial I have made to date, this one is by far my favorite.  A lot of people have asked how I make it…so instead of stating this syrup is intellectual property of Chad Doll, ass-bag bartender, I will happily share.

     Every single night before I go to bed, I fantasize about my morning coffee ritual.  It consists of coffee, the newspaper crosswords and the first smoke of the day.  The thought of this 15 minutes of bliss I have every morning of my life, brings a wiggle to my hips that I am unable to describe…I call it my happy dance.  A quick side note to any virgins or sexually challenged men/women who may be reading this blog…“Would you like to grab a cup of coffee?” is the equivalent to “Do you find me attractive enough to have sex with?”  Im pretty sure this is legally binding, but dont quote me on it.

     Lets move on to the syrup.

Ingredients

4 barspoons of freshly ground French Dark Roast Coffee

2 Tablespoons roasted cocoa nibs

3 Tahitian vanilla beans

2.5 cups hot water

5 cups demerara sugar

Making

-De-seed the tahitian vanilla beans.  To do this, you will need a flat service and a sharp knife.  Lay the vanilla bean flat and run the sharp edge of your knife from tip to tip on the bean.  This will expose the gooey innards.  You will need to scoop out all that lovely gooeyness and place it inside your handy french press.  Discard the shells.

-Place the coffee and nibs inside the french press with your vanilla.

-Heat your water to just below boiling temperature and pour into french press with the other ingredients.

-Cover and allow to steep for 30 minutes.

-After 30 minutes, press down firmly on the french press to extract all those wonderful flavors.

-Pour infusion into a large, non-reactive container along with sugar.  Stir or shake until sugar is completely dissolved.

-Bottle and cool before use.

     Both of my cocktails are riffs off of two wonderful classic drinks…The Bourbon Old Fashioned and The 20th Century Cocktail.  I hope you enjoy.

Original Recipes

Better Off Without A Wife

2 oz. Old Weller Antique

.25 oz. Coffee Syrup

2 dashes Angostura Bitters

2 dashes Peychauds Bitters

1 dash Regans Orange Bitters

Add all ingredients into mixing glass.  Stir, stir, stir with ice and strain into ice filled rocks glass.  Garnish with a large orange twist.

Bad Liver And A Broken Heart

1.5 oz. Plymouth Gin

.5 oz. Coffee Syrup

.5 oz. Lillet Blanc

.5 oz. Fresh Lemon Juice

Add all ingredients into mixing glass.  Shake vigorously with ice and double strain into chilled coupe glass.  No garnish required.

THANK YOU FOR READING!